Day 2-Monkey Pox is the new pandemic

Bacara Ritz Carlton - Santa Barbara! Here’s where I’m staying next week!!

Bacara…

8/5/22. Friday

6:30-7:00-I want to lie in bed for a few extra minutes but the dog is with me and needs to go outside. Downstairs and out the door so she can go potty, while I stand around, waiting for her. Return inside and cheese for her, coffee for me.

I take my coffee upstairs and lie down until 7:30.

7:30-8:30-Shower. I wash my hair first, then I sit in the shower and ice my eyes, while I drink my coffee. Lotion and I put on an Athletic Housewife outfit.

8:30-9:00 - I leave for my 1-hour therapy session and put my make-up on in the car. This is a new time for me (usually I do 30 minutes).

9:00-10:00-Therapy session. I think an hour is better, although it’s double the rate. Not yet sure how I feel about the increased time…

10:00-11:00-I need an oil change so I go to Jiffy Lube and sit outside on a bench while I’m waiting. I prefer not to sit in close proximity to people if I can help it because…Covid. The Jiffy Lube employee initially quotes me a price of $105, but when I say I can’t afford that, he reduces it to $85.

11:00-11:30-I go to Michaels and buy two fake plants for the art studio because the two live plants just died. Apparently, plants can’t thrive in a dark garage and I should have known better. I eat my yogurt in the car, en route to Michaels.

11:30-12:00-I stop at BevMo and buy champagne.

12:00-12:45-Home and I unload everything and set up the fake plants in the Studio. I also bought several long sticks and twigs and inserted them into yet another pot in front of the hot water heater because I’m trying to create an abstract flower arrangement. The sticks look...okay. I might have to spray paint them…

12:45-1:15-I revise and post course content for both of my online courses at College No. 2.

1:15-2:00-I’m able to squeeze in one last vacation before the summer ends and Fall Semester begins [College No. 1 [8/14/22]. I’m taking a mini-retreat to…drum roll please…The Ritz Carlton - Bacara, in Santa Barbara. The rooms retail for $1000 a night but I’m a Marriott/Ritz Carlton Rewards member and have well over 100,000 points on file. I book my reservations through Marriott Bonavoy-Membership and learn that I’m just under the number of points needed for two free nights. I buy an additional 22,000 points for $275 and that is my total cost for a 2-night stay, retailing for $2000, at this incredible hotel!! Very excited!

2:15-3:45-I dust my room, clear the clutter, and thin out my pile of books. Wipe down the mirror and counters, clean the toilet, vacuum everything, and light a stick of incense. I go online and check out the menu for Lucilles.

3:45-4:00-I freshen my make-up.

4:00-5:30-B. arrives and we go to Happy Hour at Lucilles BBQ. I order the deviled eggs off the HH menu and a glass of champagne. The deviled eggs are quite good.

5:30-11:00-My therapist suggested I make a list of things that B. does that are hurtful and upsetting, such as having a tantrum and abruptly storming out of my house and slamming the door if I say something negative about cops. Or threatening to take me home - “Do you want me to take you home?” - similar to how a pet owner talks to a dog when they’ve been bad - “Do you want to go outside?” - if I’m at his house and happen to make a negative comment about the white patriarchy. Being spoken to in this way is pretty humiliating and I stopped spending the night at B.’s house almost a year ago. I can only tolerate being at his home for about 6 hours.

If given the opportunity, my therapist suggests I share some of the items from my list with B. - perhaps he will adjust his behavior? We return to my house after Happy Hour and I casually mention what my therapist suggested. B. is open to hearing my commentary about his destructive behavior and says I can read the list. I read a couple of items and B. proceeds to mock and ridicule me, before finally gaslighting me by telling me he has no idea what I’m talking about.

When I become even more specific - “Constantly telling me that you pay for everything, when you A) do not; and B) fail to recognize other ways I contribute to the relationship, is very hurtful” - he doesn’t seem to care. I point out that one of my contributions has involved finding activities for us to do that are either free or incredibly cheap, like hiking and biking in our community; going to museums; going to botanical gardens; buying tickets for local theatre performances; and scouring ads to find the best Happy Hours. The activities that I’ve selected are to compensate for his aversion to spending money.

To further accommodate B., I should note that we only go out to nice restaurants four times a year: 1) my birthday (he pays); 2) Mother’s Day (he pays); 3) his birthday (I pay); 4) Father’s Day (I pay). Other than these four events, it’s Burrito Factory, Red Robin [we use my Rewards points], or Bars where we can order off the Happy Hour menu.

BUT, to be clear, I do pay for him on occasion and I noted several instances where I have, in fact, paid for both of us. Of course, these purchases are on the smaller side - I bought our tickets for Ostrich Land and Descanso Gardens and I use my Huntington Membership to get B. in for free - because we’re not financial equals. B. is 20 years older than me and his house is paid off, but I do my part and simpy finding cheap or free activities for us to do - otherwise we’d do nothing but watch TV - takes time and effort and that’s a contribution, too.

After I provide multiple examples of how I’ve contributed to the relationship, as well as detailed dates/times where I picked up the tab, albeit a small tab, it is time for B. to have the floor. He starts by saying, “I pay for everything”, AGAIN, even after all I’ve just said detailing when I’ve paid for B., as well as other ways I’ve contributed to the relationship that might not involve money, but are still worthwhile efforts made on my part. I mean, his commentary is much like Alex Jones saying the same thing over and over again - “Sandyhook was staged” - when everybody knows it wasn’t.

I cut B. off immediately and say, “Stop saying that! It’s not true. You DON’T pay for EVERYTHING.” This is one of the things I wish he would stop saying - I just read it off the list an hour ago!

In the end, none of it really matters. We’re not married and we don’t live together. If we did, we’d be divorced. When all is said and done, B. follows politics and is a good conversationalist…doing “Patio Coffee” with B. on occasion works for me and is a good compromise because it’s hard to make friends at my age. I can do - and pay for - all of the above activities that I’ve cited alone (which I frequently do anyway) without having to worry whether or not B. is angry because he paid $30 for the pizza from Guidos, even though I only had one slice.

One last comment: I compliment B.’s house frequently. He’s had a ton of work done to it and the house is very beautiful, especially his “golf course yard.” HOWEVER, B. has not once, in SEVEN years, complimented my house. This is very hurtful - to me - because my house is a reflection of the hard work I’ve put into it, as well as my resourcefulness and creativity. When I point out to B that he’s NEVER once complimented my house, in 7 years, there is a brief pause and B. finally says, “It’s……….okay.” That’s it. He couldn’t even fake it and say, “I’m sorry. I love your house.” My house is just…okay.

I look at B., expressionless, and he adds, “The Studio came out great, though.” I reply that I don’t care what he thinks about my converted garage. Who cares about that?

B. leaves.

10:00-11:20 - I lie down on my office couch and take a brief nap.

11:20-11:50 - I go down a news rabbit hole. What a waste of time!

12:00-12:30-I work on my online syllabus for my Specialty 1A class at College No. 1. The first day of school is rapidly approaching - it’s crunch time. I also continue researching the length of my media sources and adding the time of the podcast or video to the syllabus.

12:30-2:00 - I accidentally fall asleep again. This has been an exhausting week.

2:30-3:00-It’s too late and fairly obvious that I’m NOT going birding tomorrow morning, especially since I haven’t slept much in several days. Still, I get everything ready for tomorrow, just in case. Kitchen duty and I pack my lunch bag, lay out my clothes, and set out my binoculars and Seely bird guide.

3:00-3:45 - Nighttime routine. Bed