Day 6-BA5 takes the lead

En route to Italy…

6/27/22. Monday. Travel Day!

6:30-6:45-Italy (and Greece), here we come! I go downstairs to take the dog out and spend extra time with her because I’m leaving for two weeks. Poor little thing - she’s going to be so lonely without L. and I. I hope T. takes good care of her. I cue her to go outside, she grabs her toy, and we head for the patio. I take one last look at my plants. I’m leaving during the hottest time of the year…I hope T. can follow the Watering Schedule I created. I say aloud to my plants, “You’re in good hands. T. will be taking care of you.”

Please don’t die…

Return inside and I give cheese to the dog for the last time. Coffee for me. I go upstairs.

6:45-7:15-Shower. I sit in the shower, ice my eyes, and drink my coffee.

7:30-7:55-I do one last, 15-min, Insanity-Max Ab workout. The A/C is still broke.

7:55-8:20-Lotion. I put on Athletic Housewife attire: Black yoga pants. Tank top and sports bra. Black hoodie. Light make-up and glasses. My hair is still braided.

8:20-8:50-I pack the toiletries I just used, then bring my suitcase downstairs.

8:50-9:15-I do the last remaining dishes in the sink and set out the extra fan for T. as he plans to spend the night. Once he feels how hot it is in the house, I think he’ll leave. I purchased an “As seen on TV” miniature swamp cooler that runs on ONE cup of water for T. to place on L.’s nightstand. I tried it out a couple of times and I think it’s a joke…but maybe it will help T. get through the sweltering evenings. I have some of my Teriyaki Orange chicken and noodles for breakfast and freeze the rest.

9:15-9:40-I start watering as many of my plants as possible before everyone arrives.

9:40-10:00-Mom, Steve, Mary, and Black Uber arrive - we learn that “Edward” is our driver and he’s very nice. We load our luggage and take off.

10:00-11:30-Driving. Traffic is…horrific.

11:30-1:30-Arrive at LAX. Edward offers to pick us up when our flight returns-all we have to do is text him, he says. L. gets his contact information. This is great - one less thing we have to worry about.

We enter “the bowels of hell”, otherwise known as…LAX. I don’t remove my mask the entire time I’m in the airport other than to drink my champagne.

As usual, LAX is a nightmare. We’re flying ITA, but the staff doesn’t bother coming in until 12:00 pm so passengers are just standing around, waiting in line for nothing. Finally, ONE employee arrives and we start the arduous task of checking in and getting our boarding passes.

Fun Fact (not): ITA weighs ALL bags. If your carry-on is OVER 17 pounds, you are forced to check your bag. Seriously, that’s a diaper bag! Who goes on vacation with one 17-pound suitcase? My mother, that’s who. Out of the five of us, she’s the ONLY one who made weight. The rest of us were forced to check our bags so she did, too. Had I known I would be checking my bag from the jump, I would have packed much differently.

-LAX is in a perpetual state of renovation and it’s a miserable experience. Going through TSA is like one large cattle call, or a ride at Disneyland, as we make our way through the stiles. TSA guidelines have changed yet again. This time, we don’t have to take our tablets out of our bags AND we don’t have to take off our shoes. Of course, no one knows about the new requirements so TSA staff is screaming at everyone to keep our shoes ON. Spoiler Alert: When we return, TSA will be screaming at everyone to take their shoes OFF. Oddly, there are two drug sniffing dogs, wandering around in circles while their handlers stand there, looking bored, as we walk, two-at-a-time, past the dogs, like we’re at some kind of red carpet event…except the press didn’t bother to show…just the dogs.

1:30-2:30- We find our gate and get situated. Then L., Mom, and I go in search of a bar. I have 2 glasses of champagne; Mom heads back to the gate.

2:30-3:15-We need to start boarding, but L. insists on getting a pastry…now! The Starbucks line is barely moving - typical. L. is desperate so I suggest she give $7 cash to a young woman around L.’s age who is at the front of the line and ask her to order a croissant. The young woman’s name is Ashland and she agrees. We see and hear her order coffee and a croissant, but Ashland only gets her coffee - the croissant never comes - and she has to leave. We have to leave, too, so L. steals a cheese danish that is waiting for someone named “Quinn” and we rush to our gate and board. omg.

Did I mention that the flight is 12 hours?

-This is a massive jet but we are crammed in like sardines. Everyone gets a wrapped pillow and blanket. My Mom booked aisle seats for everyone, except herself. I mask for the entire flight unless I’m eating. There are a few other people who mask on the plane but none of my family does.

-The take-off is…smooth. It’s the smoothest take-off I’ve ever experienced. Unfortunately, the movie selection is piss-poor and I watch a stupid movie about a black mother trying to rescue her kids from some psycho. There is no alcohol other than red wine, which I can’t stand, and beer. I have two cans and wish I hadn’t because I am bloated for hours and the beer does nothing to take the edge off.

-About 2 to 3 hours in, Flight Attendants offer us the choice between a disgusting beef dish (I don’t eat red meat) or a vegetable lasagna. I pick the lasagna and it’s nauseating although I eat half of it because I’m starving. There are some accompanying green beans which aren’t too bad.

-I try to sleep on the plane but I keep falling over and waking myself up. After five 5 hours, my legs and hamstrings start to ache.

-At Hour 5, the crew offers passengers a strange, round sandwich, which I don’t eat.

-I break out my Ipad and listen to a podcast in the hope of sleeping on the plane, but it doesn’t work. I go to the bathroom a couple of times to stretch my legs. Mom loans me the new David Sedaris book and I make it through a few essays.

-At Hour 9, it’s a gross breakfast of trail mix, a Milano cookie, and another strange ham-and-cheese circular sandwich. I save the trail mix and Milano cookie for later; I don’t eat the sandwich.

-Two hours later, it’s now Tuesday, and we land. It takes forever to get our luggage from baggage claim.